The “revelation” happened in the following way. I was listening to one of Abraham’s speeches (Law of Attraction, Esther Hicks). I won’t get into the details, but among other things, I realized that I considered myself unworthy. This topic had come up before, but I had worked on it a lot, and sometimes it seemed like, maybe, I had worked through it. You understand intellectually that, of course, you’re worthy. But actions and reactions show that, in reality, it’s not that way. This cognitive dissonance leaves the mind utterly confused because everything happens within it, and it’s hard to analyze what you’re using to analyze.
But this time, I managed to realize and feel that, indeed, I didn’t see myself as worthy. Worthy of close relationships, love, closeness, tenderness, care. It’s not surprising that all this was reflected in my personal story. At first, I felt very sad, but I pulled myself together and used logic. I wrote down on a piece of paper all the reasons why I thought I was unworthy of closeness. There turned out to be only a few reasons.
I analyzed each one – and it turned out that, except for one, they weren’t worth a thing. I even found it funny that I had spent my whole life suffering and didn’t even realize that accepting myself with all my skeletons scattered around would be so easy. It turned out that half of these reasons were actually laughable, and the other half was part of the personal history of nearly everyone. There was one “old” reason left, but I’ll talk about that later.
After such an analysis, I was flooded with joy and excitement! The rest of the day and the whole next day I felt an incredible sense of self-expression. But a week later, I deflated. Deflated to the point that I once again confused my friends’ heads, who, bless them, still tolerate me in moments like these.
Here’s what happened, I think… Like everyone who works on personal and spiritual development, I am moving toward my true self – that carefree, pure-eyed, and open-hearted child, whose consciousness is not yet cluttered with beliefs and fears (that unique set that forms human personality). Since the child’s first experience of desocialization (the first personal tragedy, the first personal shock, which results in the formation of conclusions and beliefs), a person starts filling the trunk of their consciousness with all kinds of conclusions and beliefs – their own and those of others (parents, teachers) – which, in essence, are pure inventions but work because the person absorbs them, accepts them as their own, and lives according to these “ideas.”
The older a person gets, the more tightly the “trunk” fills. If a person doesn’t start working on clearing out this trunk, more and more junk gets piled up. Sometimes it happens quickly, sometimes slowly. But at some point, the trunk is packed to the brim (the personality, with its system of beliefs, and worldview are fully formed), and the person has to live with what they’ve collected. Some “sets” allow for quite a good, even fun life. Sometimes a set consists of beliefs and views that actually work well.
But very often, especially if a person combines intellect with high sensitivity and emotionality, they experience painful events, quickly analyzed with sharp, weighty, and long-lasting conclusions. In such cases, it’s very hard to live a light life like children, to rejoice in this world, to be happy just like that, to connect easily with people, to love without fear, to dance as though no one’s watching, to work as if not for money – to access simple tools of happiness. These people must work on themselves. With specialists or by themselves. But otherwise, life leads them into a dead end… And then, we feel we no longer have that liveliness, that joy. We can’t do it. We want to return to our true selves – to the child, to that simple happiness and joy. To get rid of the junk we’ve accumulated.
Gradually, we begin to clear our clutter. Gradually, space is created. And we’re getting closer to the source, with more room to be ourselves. We’re getting closer to the most painful spots (the younger we are, the more intense our shocks are) in our emotional history… Removing each piece of junk is like opening an old sore. We have to go through all this pain again to finally rid ourselves of the cause for good. After every realization comes a breakthrough. A breakthrough further toward our true self.
And this is what happened to me. After writing the list of reasons why I thought I was unworthy, I pulled another painful spot from my trunk. Inside, it immediately became more spacious. I started jumping around and having fun – and approached another problem, which captured my attention. I got so close to it that I had to use all my resources to live through and work on it, to pull another thing out of the pile of junk.
For this, analysis alone was not enough. I worked with my subconscious (based on “Love Your Disease”), realized things, wanted answers, believed that I could. This work was amazing. I learned so much about myself, things that even I wouldn’t admit to myself sometimes. It’s personal, and I won’t talk about it. It’s really not important. What matters is that I approached the realization of acceptance once again.
There’s been so much talk about acceptance (including by me), even the lazy one hasn’t kicked this concept. It seems we all know what it is. Acceptance is like active humility. It’s the essence of Christianity (by the way, the set of “limitations” in Christianity makes it one of the hardest to understand, and therefore a very powerful spiritual practice for those who get it. No wonder Christianity has such a vast pantheon of saints ;). But that’s a digression.
Acceptance – what a wonderful concept! It’s surprising that even those who study it for years (like your humble servant) sometimes can’t fully understand what it really means. To comprehend this concept, one must see the world from a state of love. Only in this state can we feel that we are all one and the same, that we are all connected… Only by realizing this can we understand acceptance – it’s recognizing the other, any other, as oneself, oneself as a perfect part of this world, without which this world would not be so beautiful. Acceptance in this world of everything it contains, allowing everything and everyone to be. Not accepting anything in this world is rejecting part of oneself.
The processes of rejection, non-acceptance of anything within oneself or in something or someone else – are not even synchronized processes. They are one and the same process. When we criticize someone or the world for something, we automatically hate that in ourselves. And since we hate ourselves, how can we allow ourselves to be happy and loved? Moreover, by hating ourselves, we automatically hate everyone around us. Of course, it’s unconscious.
It’s impossible to love, to be loved, to want love, to give love if underneath all of it there’s self-hatred – and therefore hatred for the whole world. Because we are all one.
Through my work, I realized many other things that can’t be summarized in just a few words. Although, I’ll try. For example, I realized that it’s not necessary to be in direct contact with people to give them love. You can give love to people constantly – at any moment, just by thinking about them. You can’t force people with your desires, even if that desire is to give them love in some other way. It’s wonderful to give people what they need. And when they want it.
And I am exactly the same “person” as they are. I can give myself love, too. And I am just as worthy of love and closeness as any other person on this earth. Also, any non-acceptance (of anything) immediately negates something inside our consciousness, as though it takes away “worthiness” points. Because we are all this world, we are all one and the same.