A sign of immaturity in a person is the readiness to nobly die for a righteous cause,
while a sign of maturity is the readiness to humbly live for a righteous cause.
© J.D. Salinger
Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I truly feel like an adult. Simply an adult.
And everything has become very simple. Suddenly, while listening to Love Song For A Vampire, I realized that I had spent my whole life searching for the wrong things in love. I always wanted Him — the one described by me in detail, down to the shape of his eyebrows and the smallest habits. I dreamed of Him, and until yesterday, I had no idea that all of that was nonsense. If you’re going to dream at all, dream about the “right one,” the Soul Mate — just my person. Of course, I used to think about something like that, but I immediately set so many conditions, making sure that this and that were present or absent. Nonsense, really. The right approach is simply to be ready and to know that this will be the one, the right one for me — the one with whom I will be happy, and who will be happy with me. By default, this means that he will be everything I need, even if he doesn’t match the silly list of things I’ve been obsessing over — the color, size, and other qualities.
And I suddenly realized that my passionate desire to express love, which I had always limited to those people I liked expressing it to, can actually be limitless, and love can be expressed to everyone — in all sorts of ways, as an intelligent person has access to a huge variety of them. I can buy Kenny lottery tickets to make him happy. I can make Delaina a protein shake even when she didn’t ask for it. She always asks, so why bother asking again, just make it. I can let a fool pass on the road. Not interrupting someone at work — that’s another wonderful way to express love… It doesn’t matter who these people are. They just happened to be with me in this moment of life.
Perhaps all of this was helped by my recent realization that I had spent my whole life thinking that everyone owed me something: my parents — more love, education, and care; men — sex and admiration for my beauty; bosses — recognition and a bigger salary; friends — support and involvement; everyone around me — adoration and excitement for my talents, creativity, and unique personality… I’m not saying I never received any of these things, or that I never gave anything in return. That’s not true. I received and gave, but the very idea of expecting “owed” things from the world around me — creates an enormous degree of dissatisfaction with life, because we never get exactly what we think we should. The key to happiness is not in getting what you want, but in enjoying what you have.
Now, suddenly realizing this, how ridiculous the idea of expecting even a little bit of what I listed seems to me. What a rare absurdity!
Suddenly, with all these realizations, a sense of calm washed over me. Now, don’t laugh, I still want to have sex, but I no longer believe it’s the fault of the vile people around me. It’s just my body’s experience, and other people aren’t involved. Somehow, it became very peaceful, and at the same time, thrilling, because I immediately became much happier.