March 13, 2009
To Russia in a Dream
I woke up today and saw that I was in my mom’s room in our former three-room apartment. And mom was there too, arranging things on the shelves of the old furniture unit. The furniture unit was the same one we gave to Sergey’s relatives. The furniture was all old, and the balcony too. I said to my mom, “It’s incredible, I know we’re in a different place now, but I see this here. This is a double reality.” And then I noticed my former room. It felt so good there. I thought that both these rooms, as well as my new one-room apartment, were also ours. And that my dad’s room still wasn’t occupied by the people we swapped apartments with. And Danya was there too, I had to feed her, but the kitchen was all dirty. I started scrubbing the stains on Danya’s bowls, cleaning everything. And I thought to myself that I’d come back without an active passport, but at the same time, I realized that Yulka was in the next building, and it would be great to meet her. I felt so good in this little room on the sixth floor. I wanted to stay there. Then I thought, my mom has a lover, and I told her, “You could live in a one-room apartment with him, so no one bothers you, and I’ll live here, in this room I love so much.” Then I thought that in that one-room apartment, they probably didn’t expect me anymore because now mom lived there. I replaced a burned-out lightbulb in the cupboard in the bathroom, and I was still shocked, thinking, “I know I’m in a different place, but it feels like I’m still in this old apartment…”
I often dream about our old apartment, which was already divided into two homes and became a communal apartment. The apartment of my childhood, where doors were always open. And my dad’s cozy study. The uncomfortable “living room.” And my parents’ bedroom, where they rarely slept together after they divorced when I was seven. The apartment of my childhood, divided into corners where my mom, dad, and his new wife lived. Before that, I didn’t even have my own room. My parents thought I didn’t need one, so I slept on the couch until they divorced. After the divorce, I initially slept between my mom’s and dad’s beds to prevent my dad from bothering my mom at night. It was very uncomfortable, as it was just the edge of the bed frame. Later, my dad moved to the couch, and I took his bed. But I still didn’t have my own room (in the three-room apartment), I had a drawer for my toys, a shelf in the closet for my things, and I did my homework at my dad’s desk. Then the apartment was divided, and my dad moved into his room with his new wife. All the doors closed. The corridor became dark. The pans and pots were split. My dad’s new wife left everything for her beloved daughter, and my parents’ belongings were split in half. As if I didn’t exist. And my childhood apartment became communal.
I constantly dream that I’m there again, but the apartment is empty. I go into my dad’s study and start looking at his collection of beautiful stereo postcards, calendars, and stamps. Then I step onto the balcony and watch the sunset sky. This room was always bathed in sunlight. I also dream of my mom’s room, where there’s always shade. But also the balcony, where I love standing and breathing the air. I often dream about my room in that house. The room where nothing was really mine, just two cabinets and a huge dining table that I used as my desk, and a big bed from the bedroom set, which was uncomfortable to sleep on. I dream that I’m there again, but everything is different now. I have a new beautiful bed, and furniture I like. In the bedside table, there are treasures – my songbooks, diaries, bead bracelets I loved to make… And the room is filled with warmth and joy.
I dream about it all the time.
March 13, 2009
*We are friends again with Sasha Parushina, and I hugged her and said: “Sashka, I missed you so much!” Then Gerard Butler appeared in my dream, and not just that, we loved each other, even made love. Then we ended up in my apartment, and I gave him, my dad, and some of my relatives envelopes with congratulations for a holiday, and in mine, there was a ceramic ring. Then he picked me up in his arms and ran up the stairs. It was all so wonderful, and I kissed him on the lips while he held me. It was a very simple, not magical, but very beautiful dream. Butler was so wonderful, simple, and familiar. 🙂
By the way, when I was traveling to Los Angeles, I dreamed that our paths would cross. And they do, literally every day: I cross Butler Avenue on my way to work. Irony of fate. The Universe sets your tasks so clearly. 😉
March 28, 2009
*Today, I dreamt of our boss, one of our two managers, a very tall man. Since the company is sports-related, he had tried all the best programs himself and now walked around the office all sporty, with two wonderful red setters who also wandered everywhere when they came to the office. Today, I dreamt of this John. I came to his house, which was magnificent. Well, he’s a multimillionaire, so it’s no surprise. He showed me his house, took me to the balcony… I kept feeling like I was his employee. Then he somehow cleverly, gymnastically jumped over the balcony railing and stood on the other side, his face directly opposite mine. I leaned on the railing, and suddenly he began kissing my hands, from my elbow to my wrist. My wrists were near my face, and he kissed all the way up to my lips. I wanted to pull away because I still felt like his employee, but I couldn’t, it felt too good. Then we started kissing, and soon became lovers. I came over to his house, his beautiful two-story apartment in an old building, and he said he had missed me so much that he decided to buy me life insurance for a million, or something like that… The next day he said he wanted to buy me a car, but the model he wanted was already bought by someone else. I didn’t like something about it, and I decided he was scheming. Things started getting tangled, like complicated springs. I was a good employee, and they couldn’t get rid of me, on the other hand, he wanted to do something to promote me, and a third line of the plot suggested that he wanted to kill me and collect another million from the insurance. In the fourth line, I was stealing some jewelry, which he himself had actually offered to me, saying everything in the house was his. But it turned out that it was his mother’s house, and in her wardrobe, there were lots of jewels that I supposedly took. I decided to make myself invisible and actually took the jewelry, put it in a plastic bag, and threw it over my shoulder, and I had some animal companion with me. We ran away. First, we left the house, but neighbors saw us, so I decided to become invisible and fly. We flew higher and higher, over rooftops, then over the forest, crossed a hill, and there were the Sparrow Hills with a view of the river and central Moscow at night. I decided to fly back to John’s house and appeared outside his windows. I was still invisible, but John could see me. He saw me through the window, and I broke the glass and snuck in. His wife (surprise, surprise!) was very scared because she was afraid of a poltergeist. I threw two pillows at her to scare her more. John went to another room and sat at the piano, and I went up to him, started teasing him, running my fingers through his hair. For some reason, this made me want to kiss him. We started kissing, then I flew out the window again, crashing the glass as I left. I flew over the tops of spring trees, a little higher, a little lower. Such an amazing, beautiful state of flying… That’s how the dream ended. I didn’t want to wake up, I just wanted to keep kissing.
May 29, 2009
I Love Danya
I decided to take Danya to the country house. I had three bags: my handbag, a bag with things, and a bag with Danya. Plus her toilet (a closed box-house). But at the country house, there were giveaways, and I ended up with two more bags for the way back. I packed everything up, put Danya in the carrier, and went to figure out how someone could drive me home. Suddenly, I was at home, but the bags were still at the country house. Somehow, the bags made it back, but Danya was missing. I thought I saw her with a duck-like nose attached to her face. Later, it turned out the nose was glued on, but after that, Danya disappeared again, and I couldn’t find her. I ran around the country house, crying, shouting, asking for help, but Danya was nowhere to be found.
How happy I was when I woke up and saw Danya peacefully sleeping in the chair, curled up—so sweet and soft. I kissed her of course.