For some reason, what bothers me the most is how others perceive me. I really want my actions, the reasons for my actions and words, to be understood. I feel that if people understood me, they would treat me completely differently. It seems to me that because they don’t understand me and don’t know who I am, they prefer not to communicate with me.
But I don’t know how to turn all of this around. I won’t go into details, but many opportunities and interactions were lost simply because someone thought something wrong about me and spread it around. I’m not like them, yes, I come from a different culture, and then there are my personal quirks on top of that. And also, I am very open. I always say things as they are. Is this my punishment, that people will always misinterpret my words and actions?
This is all just a lyrical digression. And despite all of this, yesterday I was walking out of the theater, and I felt good. I was walking and thinking that I will get myself together, work on the projects I’m passionate about, and not pay attention to those who don’t want to support me. I will value those who do. And I will focus on my health. Not for appearance’s sake, but to feel harmonious—with my perception of myself, with myself, with the world.
I’ve decided that, probably, I won’t be able to make everyone I interact with understand me. I just need to disconnect from that. If I need to, I will still achieve my goals. I don’t want to think about myself through the lens of what others think of me—because one can go crazy thinking that way. After all, no one will ever truly understand us, and each person will form their opinion based not only on what they think of us, but also, first and foremost, through the lens of their own perception of reality.
The most interesting thing is that this has often happened in my life—when people, not seeing the whole picture, created an opinion about me that was sometimes very far from reality. And it never bothered me. It never related to me—what they thought of me. I never tried to prove anything to anyone.
But now, apparently, I’ve weakened, because it’s become too difficult for me to build a circle of communication here. In fact, most of the people I interact with in the States, strangely enough, are Russian. And the men are Americans. Some might think it’s not strange that my circle mostly consists of Russians, but culture really matters. But I’ve always believed that people are the same wherever you go. That a common language can always be found because we are all human.
But apparently, the cultural factor hasn’t been canceled. And I am so passionate about human unity and bringing people together! I’m tired of fighting the windmills of American zombism.