Gu has the best thing in the world—a mind-blowing, healthy, strong, vibrant, and incredibly beautiful body, an amazing job, a new certification, the Pacific Ocean literally next door, and plenty of beautiful and varied things… However, perhaps Gu doesn’t need any of that. Maybe she needs something completely different. Perhaps Gu has different priorities, and everything she has is of no importance to her. If she seriously considered that she could lose it all, it wouldn’t affect her at all… Maybe it’s hard for her to feel simple joy, like looking into the eyes of a loved one, chasing a bus on foot, jumping for joy in the cold foam of the Pacific, dissolving in the crowd of Hollywood stars, moving her brain while shifting investment portfolios, or chatting with her mom on the phone on Saturdays.
I wake up in the mornings and—honestly—sometimes I realize that I have no reason to wake up. Or to do anything. Because there’s no one for whom I would. And to invent a meaning for my life seems like a ridiculous process.
But I get up and tell myself… I tell myself that I am here for a reason. That I am the physical possibility of experiencing the sweetness of the tangible. That this day is worth living for at least the fifteen magical minutes I drive west on the 405, home, admiring the diamond-like drops on the window of my Honda. At least for the smile of my cubicle neighbor. At least for the value I bring to people by creating software design. At least for the chance to see my comedy class classmates on Saturday and laugh together with them.
At least for the dream of one day looking into the eyes of a loved one and maybe—just maybe!—seeing a reflection of my gaze in them. To dream of riding a board and catching a wave just one more time. To walk naked in front of a mirror and enjoy the reflection. To buy, even for a short while, clothes that express my individuality, not just what I wear. And to dream—only with memories—of one day, when I’m no longer here, talking to my mom. And to my dad. Somewhere, in that formless place, to hug them. And to ask for forgiveness for not giving them the love they so needed when they were still alive.
I wake up in the morning. And if my petty voice says that there was no reason for me to wake up, I wipe my tears from that voice and reply: I’m in this world for such a short time. And it’s terribly sad, because there’s so much life, beauty, and love in this world that even the lives of the entire population of Los Angeles wouldn’t be enough for one person to feel even a small part of the magic this life holds. I’ve created a wonderful world for myself, where I have everything I need to continue creating everything I want.
I am the reason for everything that happens to me in this life. And because of that, I can create everything that is possible. And even what seems impossible.
And then I can’t wait to start this day. And to create something beautiful in it again…