Lately, I’ve been mulling over the idea that we are all one… From time to time, my awareness of this concept rises to new levels, becoming more a part of me, settling in deeper. And with that, my understanding of everything else in this world becomes more refined, more harmonious.
This time, the feeling that we are all one was the strongest, the fullest… It brought such joy, such happiness that I couldn’t look at people without a huge smile stretching across my face. I was overwhelmed with love for everyone — and for myself, as a part of everyone and everything that exists on Earth. I could almost physically feel this connection, this closeness with all beings. And at that moment, I needed nothing else. The experience felt complete and deeply right. Perhaps the most right thing there is in this world. Everything made sense. Everything. This entire life, with all its peculiarities, hardships, and joys.
And then I arrived.
I don’t know, maybe I was just tired? Maybe it’s simply because I haven’t been getting enough sleep? When I arrived, I brought with me the intense heat from Philadelphia, and for days now, I haven’t been able to sleep properly — the heat keeps waking me up, leaving me practically unrested. And this weekend was especially hard. Not only was it, it seems, the hottest it’s been this week, but also… there was that breakdown.
Maybe it really is that simple: the exhaustion, the heat, the lack of sleep… Work isn’t helping much either. It’s good there, but there isn’t much to do… and because of that, I’m losing the sense of my own value as a professional. I get so drained by that feeling that when I get home, I have no energy left for my personal projects. I’m stagnating. But I’m afraid to leave. It’s similar to what happened two years ago when I left my full-time job. Only now, life is so much better overall, and I’m not sure that leaving would be the right choice. So I decided to give myself a little more time.
However, time keeps passing, and my project isn’t moving forward, and, truthfully, this job isn’t really doing much for me, except paying the bills. So for now, I’m thinking — at least until after I graduate from Level 5 improv (that’s already on September 27) — and then we’ll see. I know I’ll need to make some decisions. In secret, I’m hoping the situation will resolve itself in a way that’s good for me. I’m in touch with a few recruiters, so maybe something will pop up.
I also decided to take another chance and try therapy again. I found a woman who’s covered (though I’m not sure how fully) by my insurance, and who’s very highly recommended on Yelp. I’ll call her tomorrow to try to set up an appointment.
And of course, I must not forget that we are all one, and that by rejecting myself, I reject the whole world… Yet for some reason, in these past few days, that thought wouldn’t settle into my mind. It felt like a fog. Sometimes I even wonder if there’s some external influence involved. But ultimately, I know it’s all happening in my own consciousness — even external influences, I still create them myself.
I just need to gather my inner strength again.