In the meantime, life has placed several serious questions in front of me, which I am currently trying to resolve. I do have a few questions (perhaps to myself?), some of which have been bothering me for quite a long time.
For instance, should I listen to my heart and firmly reject people who try to take advantage of me or who are not what they seem, or should I embrace the idea of total forgiveness and approach them wisely and tolerantly? And where is that line? Or, for example, should I continue to focus on people and seek social harmony, or should I just say “screw it” and become a full-fledged misanthrope, thinking only of myself and my own pleasure? And how does this align with wisdom and enlightenment?
Should I do what I want, find enjoyment, and seek happiness in everything where it’s possible without strain, using only available means—or should I create new means, sacrificing happiness and pleasure for potentially greater happiness and pleasure? In other words, should I live in the now, or prepare for a better future, one that may never come?
And here’s another one—I so want to live this life in a way that it has not only a personal meaning to me, but also somehow contributes to the development of the world and others. I want it to pass in a way that matters, that my life isn’t wasted. But it’s unclear how. How can I apply my passion and abilities… I so want it all to mean something, not to be in vain.
And—most importantly—having accepted for myself as an axiom that life is empty and meaningless and that the meaning in our lives is something we create for ourselves, defining what is most important to us, how should I deal with the fact that what is most important to me is unattainable without others, and everything else—what I can do on my own—falls short in terms of significance and desirability?
So here I am, thinking about all this and wanting answers, but they aren’t coming. And it seems that I’ll have to make these decisions on my own, making a choice I don’t want to make, and I’m tired. Most of all, I am tired of being strong. But I know that I can’t escape from it, as life goes on, and I must live it.