When I feel bad, I listen closely to myself and to my world, asking myself, “What am I doing wrong?” And the answer always comes. It arrives instantly.
This time, the answer was predictable, but it made me feel a pang of sadness. When I release the brakes and race down the wrong side of life’s road, there will always be someone who flashes their headlights at me from the opposite direction. How grateful I am to life for flashing them at just the right moment—before it’s too late to return to my own lane…
It’s no coincidence that just two days ago I desperately wanted to watch Lucia and Sex again. The first two times, it spoke to me about human lust. The last two days, I didn’t just let my own lust run free—I actively stoked it, fueled it, and encouraged its cancerous growth.
Almost from the outside, I saw myself in this sweltering, thick, oily aura of endless desire. A desire that doesn’t come from the heart, but from the organ that sits at the very bottom of our torso… And once again, I remembered that “we are as kind as we can tame the animal inside us.”
Six months ago, I gave into this sickness, only to barely claw my way back to the lighted path, having been at the very edge… Has this experience taught me nothing? It all feels like a big, devilish test.
Late, at the last possible moment, barely passing, but I passed it. I won’t fall into that swamp again, the one that sucks you in like thick syrup does a fly. No one has the right to call me a prude. Yes, in essence, I don’t care at all about how others label me, especially if they don’t truly know me. It doesn’t matter whether they know me or not. I will remain true to myself and pure in my own eyes.
Having realized this, I felt how light and surprisingly peaceful my soul became.