When my mom passed away, I was probably still deeply a child emotionally. Since my dad had distanced himself from giving me hugs long ago (after I was 7, he hugged me maybe 20 times in total, including verbal hugs), I immediately began to clinically long for physical affection, and very soon this lack accumulated into a self-destructive program.
I must say that while my mom was alive, I never had any thoughts of self-destruction – even as a teenager. I was a very inspired child and teenager. And overall, I really love life. The first time this self-destructive program kicked in was after I broke up with my ex-husband. In general, this all relates to the need for support, for just the subtle feeling that there is someone for whom your life matters. That it matters to them for life.
That’s why they say that happiness (aside from having a bad memory) is having living parents. Because parents (the kind who are real parents, not those who don’t care about you) always keep you in their thoughts, always wish you well, always keep in mind how important you are to them, how your existence, just the fact that you exist, is necessary to their life… And, of course, a mother, in this sense, tops all charts. Even when everything is bad – a mother (psychologically healthy, of course) will always be the person who keeps her child in her heart, in her thoughts, and sends them through the channels of subtle connection that feeling of how much they are needed.
And then I, like a fool, read this article… I had suspected something like this before, that I was aware of how much I miss tactile affection, but I said nothing. And now, it became crystal clear to me: in this world, I clinically lack those messages on a subtle (and even physical) level – the ones telling me that I am needed. Having a job where you’re valued and needed helps, but it’s obvious that no boss’s approval can compare to that life-giving, full of love feeling of being needed, which comes from close people. People whom I don’t have. I do have friends, acquaintances, people who are ready to help me, but I am not the kind of person to whom they will send that “life-needs-you” feeling every day…
Maybe I want too much. According to the articles mentioned, however, this is not a want, but a real life necessity. And I am a living person. I actually believe that I stand out because of this irresistible drive for vitality. Many people fall asleep (die) while still alive, content with an automatic vegetative existence. I, however, am equipped with some sort of vitality sensor, which always spikes when the level of aliveness in my life drops to the brink of zombie-like existence. Becoming a zombie is not in the cards for me. But my whole life, I’ve been working hard to raise the level of aliveness, to transform from merely surviving to fully living.
I’m not saying that I’m surviving… Not at all. I’m not complaining about my life. And, actually, I don’t complain. I’m simply saying that it’s not easy, that it requires a very strong and persistent woman with an intense thirst for life – to live in isolation from the feeling of being needed and close. I know that I am that strong, persistent woman. And that one day, I will manage to work my magic to the point where even closeness will feel as easy as biting into a soft chocolate…
But right now, I’m just sharing. Sharing with my diary. What I truly desire in life is to change with this aliveness – the aliveness of closeness, healthy need, joy, and delight from the fact that I exist in this world – and those who are close to me… It’s not easy after my dad, both in word and deed, taught me not to depend on anyone and to rely solely on myself in this life. Because “no one will help you” (I don’t know if he meant himself)…
Right now, I’m learning how to create space for self-expression for those around me.
And I also really want to learn how to give this aliveness to others.