For example, recently I’ve been reflecting on my relationship with a friend whom I considered a close person, and I thought she also saw me as someone close. We had a very good relationship, and she always genuinely rejoiced for me. But then, something happened. I don’t know what, but her attitude toward me changed. Later, in one conversation, I realized that she didn’t really know who I am, and it seemed like her opinion of me didn’t reflect the actual situation at all. This made me really sad. And recently, an event happened that made me realize that although she doesn’t have any negative feelings toward me, she also doesn’t seem to want to communicate. This, too, is very sad.
On the one hand, this whole story once again reminded me that very often people (even those we consider friends, close ones) don’t really know who we are. They have their own opinion of us, which is real for them, but may have nothing to do with who we actually are. What about those who have barely communicated with us, only superficially, and know us only from snippets and fragments of our words, thoughts, actions, and expressions? It’s impossible to form a real understanding of a person from that. So, I am always slightly surprised when someone with whom we’ve never really interacted, who has seen us from a distance (both literally and figuratively), starts to act toward us in a particular way, based solely on what they know (and this, as a rule, is just “shadows” of knowledge about us) and what they’ve heard from others, having no real idea who we truly are…
Sometimes, even after living with someone for many years, we still don’t know exactly who they are. So, I never really know for sure who my closest friends are. We all have some secret room that we never let anyone into. Needless to say, even with friends, we’re never 100% open. We can share a lot about ourselves, tell them everything that’s filling our lives, reveal our secrets, dreams, and even our hidden aspirations. But we never open up completely. Someone might say that this is not true, that they are completely transparent, but I believe there is so much about us that we don’t even realize ourselves, so we don’t truly know who we are. They say others can see us better, but that’s not true. From the outside, all they can see is how we manifest in a given moment, in a particular environment, under specific circumstances, and influenced by our own feelings and moods.
But even considering all this – with our friends, at least we expect that they are on our side. And if they are truly our friend, not just an acquaintance who doesn’t care about us, if they think we’ve done something wrong, they will come and tell us that we’ve messed up. Or they will respect our decision in any situation. But, one way or another, if they are a friend, they won’t just quietly, “English-style,” disappear from the relationship and interaction, distancing themselves from us. They will, at least, clarify things instead of surprising us with something like, “Who are you, anyway?”
I don’t know, maybe I have an idealistic view of this. But I’m not spoiled by a close circle. A lot changed after I left Russia, where I had regular contact with different people. Not having family doesn’t help much either – almost nothing remains of it, and I don’t consider my relationship with my stepmother to be a family bond. I really value every closeness that appears in my life, even if it doesn’t seem too significant from the outside. And if a friend is in trouble, I will definitely come to help. Even if they aren’t, they can still count on me if needed.
It’s a little sad when someone, from whom you’d expect to be well-known after many years of communication, turns out not to know you at all.
And so, lately, I’ve been coming back to this question, and every time it doesn’t just bother me, it almost hurts. Proving something isn’t in my nature. If someone doesn’t see me, then words will hardly change anything. So, the only way out in this situation is to accept it, and so far, I haven’t been able to do that. Every time I think about this person, it feels heavy in my soul. Because every time I used to seek support inside myself about who in this world is close to me, this person was always on that list, and the thought that I, as I hoped, was also on their list warmed me. It turns out, I wasn’t.
Forgive (myself for this), let go, accept, move on. Probably, it’s the letting go part that I can’t do. But – it’s necessary. You can’t force someone to be your friend. 🙂
And still, still, still. Even after all these reflections, I always forget that all of this is just another reflection of myself, that these people are also me. And what’s happening – is me. And that everything is from love, and if you rise above all these “mind games” (not to exalt yourself, just to fly upwards ;), you’ll see that love hasn’t gone anywhere, it’s still spread everywhere in the seventh dimension, and we’re all floundering in it.
This is how useful it is sometimes to reflect in a journal; clear thoughts sometimes come to mind. (Because, as you know, this thought isn’t mine; it just visited me, for which I am very grateful. Whoever needs it – can take it.)