I have a very conscious feeling that I am not doing something—something I should be doing. On one hand, I look at people who are determinedly going somewhere, achieving things, and not just for the sake of achieving, not just for the social-material benefits they gain once they do, but first and foremost because they are living a life they love fully, without reservation.
I keep thinking, “Well, what’s stopping me from doing that too?” I could. And then I look at myself and realize that maybe it’s just not for me. For some, success is a measure of a life well-lived… I don’t know. For me, the main thing is simply learning to enjoy each moment of life. For that, success isn’t really necessary. I’ve already passed that itch for “success,” just as I’ve passed the “I need to get married” phase.
And, in the grand scheme of things, my life is really good. But what is truly missing is lots of travel to beautiful, joy-filled countries with a loved one. Everything else, I either have, or I can organize. But is that really so?
I’m not sure. After all, maybe I don’t want to work in an office. I would love to earn money, for example, even if it’s the same amount as what I make now, but through creative work. Mine is more intellectual-technical. And I long for… Like when I dreamed as a child—living in a house by a big sandy beach. And I sit by the window, breathing in the salty ocean air, and writing… Yes, I dreamed about that when I was a child. And I know exactly what kind of house I want. And I would like it to be the kind of place where interesting, kind people gather in the evenings around a big kitchen table and talk, talk…
So, of course, all of this may still happen. Because all my dreams come true.
But still, I need to do something, to know that I haven’t lost my way, to follow the path that destiny has set for me. But I feel like I’m like Gerda, lured into a magical garden by an old sorceress. I’ve completely forgotten that I need to find Kai; I’ve gotten lost in the flowers.
But what should I do, how do I find the door, how do I get out? On the other hand, Gerda stepped out right into the wind and the storm. The garden is lovely. The storm is tough. And I don’t want to lose the feeling of “security” in my life, even if it’s just an illusion. Because all feelings of safety/security are illusions. In some situations, though, this illusion holds up through trust in another person, and that’s what love is—when a person acts irrationally, even after being hurt, but still keeps their heart open and believes that the person won’t let them down. That’s love. But I’m talking about something else. Maybe I would risk returning to the path where I would feel like “this is the right way.”
But then, how do you know what is “right”? And how do you know that “right” even exists? Maybe this is it—“right,” just with a false sense of “alarm”?
This is the hardest part of the “do what you must and let whatever will be” situation. What must I do? How? How do I know? Where is the guide?
And yet, I believe that in my life, everything always happens for the right reason. It has always been this way. In periods of “on top,” this is especially felt—when, “out of love,” you start looking back at the past and realize that if it weren’t for this or that tragic and dramatic event, this and that beautiful and magical thing wouldn’t have happened. And then, how can you evaluate the “magical” without experiencing the “dramatic”?
This world is dual, without the duality of the universe we live in, we wouldn’t be able to manifest human qualities. This dualism is a fundamental characteristic of this world. So today in the mud, tomorrow on the throne. And that’s how life goes—back and forth.
Sometimes I think, maybe I should just relax and live through everything that happens? And then: “But what if there’s something I’m supposed to do?” How the heck do I know…