The older I get, the more I forget — naturally. But some moments remain etched so vividly in my memory. The happiest memories. They didn’t feel like the happiest ones at the time, but now, that’s exactly how I remember them — filled with joy, lightness, warmth, and love.
Like when my mom and I are lying next to each other, cracking jokes and laughing out loud. I’m around thirteen. We’re in our tiny one-room apartment. It’s dark, winter. It’s cold. And we’re just lying there, laughing uncontrollably. Nothing else exists.
At Aunt Nina’s in Yaroslavl. We’re baking cookies. Three eggs, three glasses of flour, one glass of sugar, a stick of margarine. The raw dough turns out delicious. I pinch off little bits from the bowl while reading Rosy Cheeks in their small kitchen on Yunost Street.
I remember how we’d walk after arriving in Yaroslavl by train — me, mom, Aunt Nina, Uncle Dima. They always met us at the station when the Moscow train came in at 11 PM, and we’d walk about thirty minutes to their home. Through neighborhoods, across a square, past a football field. We’d arrive tired and happy, already having shared all our news. Mom and I would collapse on the couch and fall asleep. The floor was wooden, and the apartment had a peculiar smell — just like all of Yaroslavl, from the tire and engine factories nearby.
Summer after my second year at medical college. I was assigned a sanitation internship at the maternity hospital on Leninsky — right behind the public health station — with two girlfriends, both named Irka. The hospital was empty, being repurposed. Sanitation internship basically meant scrubbing toilets. Luckily, since the building was empty, the toilets weren’t really dirty. It was just the three of us, skipping from room to room, mopping floors and washing basins. We were carefree. We laughed a lot.
“Avantyura” — that was the name of Leshka Pereladov’s band, which I got into through Mishka one summer. We’d gather and sing together. I was on harmonies. And I felt good. Just… happy. (I even got a bit of credit as a backup vocalist.)
And then there were the holidays in ‘84. I was twelve, just finished third grade — and it was summer. A warm, sunny summer overflowing with flowers and light. I spent it decorating my songbooks and weaving flowers and bead bracelets. I felt better than I ever had before. Pure happiness.
- Walk barefoot in the rain
- Swim in clothes
- Kiss
- Look at water
- Watch the sunset
- Fly in a dream
- See the results of my work
- Spend money
- Throw away unnecessary things
- Create something new
- Sing
- Travel
- Love
- Take care of someone
- Make love
- Lie in the bathtub
- Draw
- Design web pages
- Pet a cat
- Dance
- Give massages
- Give gifts
- Write poetry
- Drive a car
- Perform on stage
- Make people laugh
- Snorkel
- Warm up
- Visit a tea club
- Talk
- Repair things
- Iron laundry
- Take photos
- Make photo albums
- Tidy up
- Pack for a trip
- Unpack things
- Reread favorite books
- Shock or provoke (epater)
- Sneeze
- Stroke my body
- Sew
- Design clothes
- Chat online
- Sleep
- Make a space cozy
- Grow flowers
- Watch fire
- Do my nails
- Host a radio show
- Wear perfume
- Receive money
- Fly on an airplane
- Take a train ride
- Wash windows
- Write with a gel pen
- Ride a boat
- Parachute
- Drive at high speed
- Sit by candlelight
I freeze for a moment and feel that life is beautiful when…
- I button up the snug shirt across my chest
- I come in from the frost into a warm home
- I curl up in a chair with my legs tucked in
- I flip over the glass pyramid with the golden sphinx and watch golden sand spill over it
- I take warm towels off the radiator and wrap myself in them after a shower
- I tap on the soft keyboard keys
- I inhale the scent of a freshly printed glossy magazine
- I feel the smooth softness of silk under my fingers
- I bite down on the crunch of a hard nut
- I stroke my cheek through a strand of my own hair
- I feel my muscles tense during a workout
- I alternate the water in the shower from cold to scalding hot
- After a long, hard day, I lie down in a cool bed and stretch out with pleasure
- I sip a cocktail from tall, wide conical glasses
- I walk out into the rain without an umbrella or shoes, lifting my face to the cool drops
- I hear the click of my heels
- I see the world through clean windows
- I write my name on a frozen windowpane
- I look out the train window from the top bunk
- I curl up in my big chair in front of the computer
- I turn my face to the sun and feel my skin soak up the warmth
- I feel a strong rush of warm air burst through the open window of my car at 130 km/h
- I stand in the middle of a quiet night city, with no one around, watching large white snowflakes fall silently from the sky