Who am I and what do I want? This question puts me to sleep better than any sleeping pill. No, I’m not joking. I’ve noticed that when I ask myself this question before bed, I fall asleep without even noticing whether I had any thoughts in response or not.
Now that my body is changing significantly (due to pre-menopause), I ask myself this question more and more. And overall, the midlife crisis is kicking me hard. Because now it’s becoming clear that, first, no one is ever going to truly love me. And second, because of that, there’s absolutely no meaning in anything.
At the same time, almost every day, I still manage to feel happy and enjoy something. But still, I have this constant feeling — not only of lost time and opportunities but of the complete meaninglessness of my life and life as a whole.
No, but if you think about it, it’s all just vanity. Probably, only in creativity — in the process itself — there is any meaning, because only then, during the creation of something beautiful, life truly blooms and smells sweet.
But it’s so fleeting, and many people don’t even try to experience it.
I don’t believe the phrase that a talented person is talented in everything.
However, I’m absolutely convinced that everyone is given some talent. Some people more than one, but everyone has at least one. And by immersing themselves in the creativity of that talent, they can create something beautiful.
Luckily, I have more than one talent. And I try every day to express at least one of them. But still, I have a constant feeling that I’m wasting my days, not using the full opportunity to create beauty. And sometimes, it feels like all I do is scold myself — not only for not being perfect in everything but for being monstrous and ugly in many ways. In my appearance, for example. In the way my life changed after the sexual assault. In how much time I wasted berating myself for my worthlessness instead of constantly creating something.
A vicious circle. 🙂
Who am I? Thoughts that never stop and travel through the outside world in this body. Feelings that perceive the world through this body. A soul that experiences things in this physical world.
I think I understood why I’ve been overweight all my life. Probably, when I was receiving my body, someone asked me: “What would you like to experience most and most often?”
And I answered: “To optimize and improve.”
And so I’ve been trying to improve all my life. In a circle.
I improve — it gets better — it gets worse — I improve again… And so on, in a circle.