When grandpa took me in his arms, a baby, he held me for a while and said, “Well, this little tank will go anywhere.” Grandpa was Leonid Abramych Chernyavsky. As a hardcore Jew, he was unusually smart. So, I trust him.
He was, in a sense, a prophet. I’ve had to super achieve in life, more than once. It’s a shame dad didn’t name me Emma, relatives opposed giving me an unusual name, something like “life will be a struggle.” Interesting logic, isn’t it? Who said my life is as simple as a paved road? If only I had a name – Emma (pulling the letter “E”). (Oh, by the way, is asphalt a complex formation? Well, okay, a country road. Or is it just what? Mud? Laziness by the stove?)
I don’t want labels. Neither others nor my own. Once I refused bias towards my own life, I felt its taste and magic fully. However, the “superachiever” in me didn’t die. What does this definition mean to me? It’s what’s called “I’m young, but I am able” (© Jessica Andrews) I am able! When I’m pushed into a corner, when it seems there’s no bottom, when everything is deeply rooted, when it seems it’s all downhill from here, I can.
I can make such a super achievement that I’ll end up in such a positive (oh, sorry, “good-bad” – an inadequate category for evaluating what’s happening) situation that those around won’t believe that the events unfolding are even happening in this reality. (Ha, who told you I live in this reality?)
No, not like that. Sometimes, a negative isn’t a necessary condition for activating those reserves. Reserves! So here we are, digging deeper!
Having lived through the point of incredible decline, both physical and intellectual, and even spiritual, I feel an incredible determination and will for change. However, what actually happens there – I don’t know for sure. If I trust myself, who once imagined movement as a diagonal spiral (a sine wave twisted into an ascending spiral, like a spiral with a skewed turn), then each new turn undoubtedly elevates to a new level of understanding, awareness, however, the lowest point of any turn may be lower than the highest point of the previous one.
This is about how old experience is lived through, the same feelings, sometimes the same work, but already at a new level. Sometimes we don’t realize this, it seems to us that “it’s all over again,” “I haven’t achieved anything,” “whatever I do, it comes back again.” Again, yes, but we don’t consider that the level is already new, the work is done on a more subtle level, more profound, more conscious.
I’m against coercion. Coercion of the body needs a certain food, coercion of the spirit to live by certain principles, coercion of the brain to think in a certain way. My principle is anarchism, down with discipline, long live naturalness in all manifestations. Oh, here’s a trap – it’s the same principle, although the principle of no principles. (“I am deeply convinced of only one thing – you shouldn’t have convictions” (© Urry) Okay, not a principle. Understanding the process of movement. It works, although it’s quite extreme – like riding a motorcycle on the rooftops of skyscrapers in a megacity. (Let it be New York.)
Now, about the personal. I adore plans. My unprincipled anarchic nature, intolerant of rules and schedules, works best with plans and predetermined sequences. However, this is understandable. By allowing consciousness to move chaotically (oh, in chaos, you can find a splendid order – the order of chaos!), I need some frameworks and guidelines, otherwise a specific task may not be performed as efficiently as possible in my execution, and besides, part of the idea may not be realized at all due to the case of selective (very selective!) memory.
Now, like Alice, I need to write a plan. “I want to go to the garden! I want to go to the garden!” No, not like that. “I want to become my own height!” No-o-o, you can’t, you’ve already jumped into a fairy tale. You’ll become your own height, and suddenly the fairy tale will burst? “Well, okay. Let me be what I need to be. But – you can’t reach the key, you’ll stumble on your foot, your arm – out the window. Enough surprises!” (© Alice) Is this a plan? – Yes, although unattainable! But “I want to go to the garden!” – it’s a plan, and it’s achievable. However, since Alice is in Wonderland, everything is possible for her. So where’s the white rabbit with the pocket watch?
Everything is possible. The saddest thing is that I don’t have a plan. I don’t want to achieve anything. Dad, when you don’t want anything, is that depression? I don’t want the label “depression.” I don’t want depression itself. I don’t want to change. I don’t want to make an effort. I don’t want to deny myself anything, but I also don’t want anything specific. I don’t want triumphs, I don’t want tensions. But I also very well understand that I don’t want what’s happening to me now. When it seems that the sign minus can’t get any bigger and further down it’s just the Earth’s core.
Emptiness, dullness, it’s not easy on the heart from a cheerful song, and the heart doesn’t sing songs either. I feel like I’m doing something wrong, that something’s not right, that – I can’t understand. What should I do next? I’ll ask myself today, of course. After all, only I can give the answer. Support is needed.
But no one, again, except me, can give it to me. Or at least, even if they can, only I know exactly what kind of support I need. I – my Me – knows. Me, Natasha, damn it, Chernyavskaya, does not know yet. I need to ask. Will I get an answer? I hope so. And also a plan of action to get out of the earthly crust back into the hyperspace. But for now, I don’t know what to do and how to live further…
A super achiever is one that can break through from the depths to the outside and soar again, overcoming earthly gravity. Because it knows what it’s like to fly.
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