Since I believe that the past, present, and future are not some continuation over time, but rather concrete components of the present moment, I began, like a cat with its tongue, to pass through my entire life with thick strokes, straight from childhood, illuminating, like an X-ray, with sunlight all the moments of family and closeness that I experienced, all the signs of lack of love and disconnection in my family.
Until I was 7 years old, it was very easy, my parents were still married then. Everything was infused with sunlight, amazing bright light, lightness, and joy. Behind me grew an egregore of male strength and reliability, which is usually obtained through communication with the father and which I practically never felt in my life. Well, 2-3 times for a few minutes doesn’t count.
After seven, things got tough, but I managed to let in a certain light. It’s also amazing, but there was a feeling of this “daddy” behind my back – quite dense, though unstable, but already quite real. It’s like two huge wings of an angel… Or such a light-gray shadow. Well, it’s there. I’m calm with it and not tense at all, there’s not even any doubt… Why? Well, that’s it.
I think at this moment I came to the point that had been bothering me my whole life. I knew that everything stemmed from my parents’ divorce and the fact that I was separated from my father. But I couldn’t figure out why no matter who the father was, if at a certain age he wasn’t there for a girl, then she just didn’t develop these angelic wings, which most often give her an unconscious sense of belonging to the female gender with all its consequences (oh, it’s funny how it turned out), this feeling of yin-ness due to the presence of male paternal yang-ness in the closest circle of biological and energetic personality.
Suddenly, I understood why at a wedding one man (the father) hands over the woman to another man (the husband). A woman doesn’t exist without a man. As a woman, as Yin, as a spiritual substance whose essence is to envelop. If this substance is forced to detach from the male Yang and become “strong,” she loses this enveloping, such an amazing, penetrating, airy essence of spiritual femininity.
The absence of a feeling of paternal yang-ness creates an acute need to restore this balance. At the expense of what? Here I skip the list of actions I took in this direction. All I had to do was meditate on the presence of “daddy,” not even as a personality, but as a phenomenon, as an energetic vector. Here I remember, realize, feel behind me – Yang-ness. And that’s it. I get a 100% feeling of completeness and permissiveness to be myself, a woman, a person – anyone.
After all, the fear of being oneself is intertwined with the fear of not being accepted. By whom? By society? Nonsense. By the opposite sex. Having such an amazing protection behind me cancels out this fear. He’s already here. This man is already here. Freedom is not given by specificity because only in this state is any specificity of real existence possible. I’m not afraid that this man won’t go through life with me. I don’t need a man to restore balance. The balance is perfect. Do I need a man? I’m absolutely sure that I want to create Love.
Balance is restored. The stage of searching for the angelic wings of Yang-ness is over. In the new stage, there is someone who will create Love with me.
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